As I re-read this, I am realizing that it is not very good yet. I also predict the class being confused given the subject matter. It is very specific to Ireland and its music and therefore I apologize for the inaccessibility it might possess.
Who's your ideal audience, Tristan? I'm going to do as much as I can, feedback wise, because I could tell this was a passion project before you mention it at the end. But I think it would help me a lot to understand who the target reader really is: Native Irish, Americanized Irish, American immigrant Irish with a strong appreciation of roots? Highbrow or more accessible? It's obviously not us; lay out for me what you want out of this piece when it's finished.
I think this was less inaccessible than you believe. I watched with a bemused detachment that I usually apply to things like mobster movies and urban/gangster movies: I'm so far from this world, that I can be entertained by a vivid glimpse that might be too "real" for others to enjoy. There's so much contempt from the narrator, it's like you're spitting out every word in disgust. I think the steadfast principles of the band is a good descriptive technique.
With the whole encounter with the teacher, I can totally see you as the person who NEEDS to be right, then realizes it wasn't worth it while still feeling smug and correct at the same time. Kind of parallels the stubbornness with the music, which i think is good characterization.
For the rest of the group: a ghra mo chroi is roughly sweetheart or darling (context clues i think took care of that for us, too) Agus fágfaimid siúd mar atá sé- roughly i'll/we'll leave it at that
Do you see any humor in this piece? I almost feel like you might not, because it's so near to you. Could that be an easier angle to approach this with, fueling the funny with the pent-up rage? I've had people tell me my writing was something I didn't even realize, and then it all clicked for me.
Anyway, this feedback is probably as cryptic and confusing as your original essay. If you answer those questions for me, I can make another run at it.
I'd add that the topics--folk music, anger about identity politics, and anger about capitalism--need to be more intentionally developed CONCURRENTLY so that they inform each other.
Think about structure. Are performances going to be your anchor--sections 1,3,5, and 7? If so, don't be afraid to be straightforward with context about the band, how you started, what a typical performance was like. If you give us background through those scenes, you'll earn yourself the political digressions without them seeming like things that came out of nowhere at the Thanksgiving table before you threw the gravy.
Much to think about here. Where are your holes, though? Are you pure? If not, dialing back some of the contempt would be useful.
I'm assuming you know this poem:
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/172061
One more thought: is somewhat mindless American association all bad? My in-laws are Irish-American. I'm partly. Maybe we don't know shite about the history, but Irish-American identity is something in its own right, no?
Keep at this. Sorry for the late reply. I'd love to talk with you about this. I'm thinking it could be your longer essay.
Thank you for the reply Matt. I definitely see some humor in my piece; it was intended. I will lay out for you what I want the piece to convey: Beginning with a funny piece revolving around Danny Boy and my teacher (I'm considering including more stuff with the band?), and then descending into a condemnation of ethnic grudges targeting effectively all hyphenated Americans (obviously focusing on Irish-Americans, but the theme extends to Slavs/Hungarians, Serbian/Croation, etc), but circling back to a love for folk music (this last section I want to actually come across as the genesis for my fervor regarding politics. It is lacking as of now, but I want to have this be eloquent and image-driven).
Also, to explain the title: "Planxty" was an honorary epithet for patrons who commissioned work from the famous harpist Turlough O'Carolan (and some obscure others). For example, a piece by O'Carolan written for a Mrs. Hewlett would be titled "Planxty Hewlett." Marie was Mrs. Waltz's first name. The title is therefore a tongue-in-cheek homage to her.
I really enjoyed this and though my knowledge of the history you discuss and the facts you throw it is relatively slim ( I wish I knew more off the top of my head- I'm part Scottish and know nothing about that either) I don't think it was necessarily inaccessible.
I think the opening in which you insist on not playing certain songs but preferring others for their authenticity really shows who you are--and how much you care about music/heritage which is common in Athens but hardly at all in the top 40 hits right now. I also think it is interesting that you're willing to put this dialogue of the argument you and your teacher in this story because that too shows your passion that isn't stopped, even by authority figures.
The narrator does sound angry here and I want to understand it but since I'm unfamiliar with the subject matter all I can think is "I can tell he really cares about this point but I wish I knew more." Obviously you don't want to write a history book beforehand to inform those, like me, who are ignorant to what's being discussed but I guess that's where I can repeat Matt's question in: who is the audience?
When it comes to the actual style of writing and what not I was fully engaged even if I was a little bit lost on the facts. I understood your emotion. I think it's well written and organized: 3 chunks- band, teacher and then your argument. The first two give a kind of context to your argument so I think it works well.
What do you say to the folks who cried when "Danny Boy" played at their father's funeral? Can't inauthentic things become authentic? Maybe not. But if so, I call this the "I feel real feelings at Applebee's" phenomenon.
Mary's seeing a structure here. Ok. It could still be more careful.
Tristan, check out Dave Howells's essay on his friend Johnny. Your writing isn't any less strong, but the structure isn't as well-developed as in that piece.
I see two ethnic grudges- irish vs. english and irish vs. american- both concern matters of authenticity. Could you frame it like "fuck the english for making our music sell out and deteriorating our culture, and then the americans pull it the other way, a fond but inaccurate nostalgia that highlights the wrong parts of our culture while dismissing authentic heritage- both groups are tearing at the genuine fabric of what it means to be irish"?
Maybe all that needs to change is space in formatting for this part, but i need some kind of emotional space to process the contained monologue of the band before delving into the classroom scene, at least a line break if not a transition that spells it out clearer.
An important part where i think you should provide context is with the "Irish Question"- is that just "what is it to be Irish?" Tell us what you're not dismissing but answering, or else you're kind of walking your own thought plank without bringing the audience with you.
When you say folk music at the end, do you mean all folk music, or specifically irish music? I love how you describe it, but I don't know if it works being wholly inclusive, as for me country has a lot more patriotism and nationalism than folk does in American society.
Where you could be inclusive is in invoking the melting pot idea somewhere in the piece; if your mission is to extend this situation to other european immigrants and caution against ethnic clash, i think it's important to highlight the ties that bind.
Is it fair to disown something that means so much to you because of the taint others apply to your culture? If you resisted your classmates because you knew you were right, why would you succumb to the pressures of stereotype around "lesser" irishmen? That's something I can't answer for you, but it might be food for thought in regards to your heritage ending.
I love how cheeky and sneakily clever this essay is, but it's almost like you have to lay that out for me to pick up on it, and i worry that only the most culturally versed of readers will be able to fully appreciate the essay as it stands.
again, my thoughts are discombobulated, but hopefully you can pan these tips for a hidden morsel of gold.
This essay is very fascinating, but I also found it slightly hard to follow in some instances. Maybe it is because I am not as educated on these political issues, and I unfortunately do not fall into the "most culturally versed" category that Mary points out. Ugh, my brain and politics. Similar to my brain and math. They just do not mix well together. Other than that, your writing is both eloquent and engaging, and the dialogue you include enables your essay to read like fiction -which I find to be enjoyable. Additionally, I admire the fact that you added an epigraph at the beginning, and the italicized phrases you include toward the end give your essay a unique edge. And of course, I can't forget the ALL CAPS - which seems to be a staple of your writing.
As I re-read this, I am realizing that it is not very good yet. I also predict the class being confused given the subject matter. It is very specific to Ireland and its music and therefore I apologize for the inaccessibility it might possess.
ReplyDeleteWho's your ideal audience, Tristan? I'm going to do as much as I can, feedback wise, because I could tell this was a passion project before you mention it at the end. But I think it would help me a lot to understand who the target reader really is: Native Irish, Americanized Irish, American immigrant Irish with a strong appreciation of roots? Highbrow or more accessible? It's obviously not us; lay out for me what you want out of this piece when it's finished.
ReplyDeleteI think this was less inaccessible than you believe. I watched with a bemused detachment that I usually apply to things like mobster movies and urban/gangster movies: I'm so far from this world, that I can be entertained by a vivid glimpse that might be too "real" for others to enjoy. There's so much contempt from the narrator, it's like you're spitting out every word in disgust. I think the steadfast principles of the band is a good descriptive technique.
With the whole encounter with the teacher, I can totally see you as the person who NEEDS to be right, then realizes it wasn't worth it while still feeling smug and correct at the same time. Kind of parallels the stubbornness with the music, which i think is good characterization.
For the rest of the group: a ghra mo chroi is roughly sweetheart or darling (context clues i think took care of that for us, too)
Agus fágfaimid siúd mar atá sé- roughly i'll/we'll leave it at that
Do you see any humor in this piece? I almost feel like you might not, because it's so near to you. Could that be an easier angle to approach this with, fueling the funny with the pent-up rage? I've had people tell me my writing was something I didn't even realize, and then it all clicked for me.
Anyway, this feedback is probably as cryptic and confusing as your original essay. If you answer those questions for me, I can make another run at it.
This is an excellent reply.
DeleteI'd add that the topics--folk music, anger about identity politics, and anger about capitalism--need to be more intentionally developed CONCURRENTLY so that they inform each other.
Think about structure. Are performances going to be your anchor--sections 1,3,5, and 7? If so, don't be afraid to be straightforward with context about the band, how you started, what a typical performance was like. If you give us background through those scenes, you'll earn yourself the political digressions without them seeming like things that came out of nowhere at the Thanksgiving table before you threw the gravy.
Much to think about here. Where are your holes, though? Are you pure? If not, dialing back some of the contempt would be useful.
I'm assuming you know this poem:
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/172061
One more thought: is somewhat mindless American association all bad? My in-laws are Irish-American. I'm partly. Maybe we don't know shite about the history, but Irish-American identity is something in its own right, no?
Keep at this. Sorry for the late reply. I'd love to talk with you about this. I'm thinking it could be your longer essay.
DW
Thank you for the reply Matt. I definitely see some humor in my piece; it was intended.
ReplyDeleteI will lay out for you what I want the piece to convey:
Beginning with a funny piece revolving around Danny Boy and my teacher (I'm considering including more stuff with the band?), and then descending into a condemnation of ethnic grudges targeting effectively all hyphenated Americans (obviously focusing on Irish-Americans, but the theme extends to Slavs/Hungarians, Serbian/Croation, etc), but circling back to a love for folk music (this last section I want to actually come across as the genesis for my fervor regarding politics. It is lacking as of now, but I want to have this be eloquent and image-driven).
Cleveland is an interesting setting for these discussions. Can you develop--briefly--its ethnic makeup?
DeleteAlso, to explain the title:
ReplyDelete"Planxty" was an honorary epithet for patrons who commissioned work from the famous harpist Turlough O'Carolan (and some obscure others). For example, a piece by O'Carolan written for a Mrs. Hewlett would be titled "Planxty Hewlett." Marie was Mrs. Waltz's first name. The title is therefore a tongue-in-cheek homage to her.
Tristan,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this and though my knowledge of the history you discuss and the facts you throw it is relatively slim ( I wish I knew more off the top of my head- I'm part Scottish and know nothing about that either) I don't think it was necessarily inaccessible.
I think the opening in which you insist on not playing certain songs but preferring others for their authenticity really shows who you are--and how much you care about music/heritage which is common in Athens but hardly at all in the top 40 hits right now. I also think it is interesting that you're willing to put this dialogue of the argument you and your teacher in this story because that too shows your passion that isn't stopped, even by authority figures.
The narrator does sound angry here and I want to understand it but since I'm unfamiliar with the subject matter all I can think is "I can tell he really cares about this point but I wish I knew more." Obviously you don't want to write a history book beforehand to inform those, like me, who are ignorant to what's being discussed but I guess that's where I can repeat Matt's question in: who is the audience?
When it comes to the actual style of writing and what not I was fully engaged even if I was a little bit lost on the facts. I understood your emotion. I think it's well written and organized: 3 chunks- band, teacher and then your argument. The first two give a kind of context to your argument so I think it works well.
I hope this was helpful :)
What do you say to the folks who cried when "Danny Boy" played at their father's funeral? Can't inauthentic things become authentic? Maybe not. But if so, I call this the "I feel real feelings at Applebee's" phenomenon.
DeleteMary's seeing a structure here. Ok. It could still be more careful.
Tristan, check out Dave Howells's essay on his friend Johnny. Your writing isn't any less strong, but the structure isn't as well-developed as in that piece.
DeleteI see two ethnic grudges- irish vs. english and irish vs. american- both concern matters of authenticity. Could you frame it like "fuck the english for making our music sell out and deteriorating our culture, and then the americans pull it the other way, a fond but inaccurate nostalgia that highlights the wrong parts of our culture while dismissing authentic heritage- both groups are tearing at the genuine fabric of what it means to be irish"?
ReplyDeleteMaybe all that needs to change is space in formatting for this part, but i need some kind of emotional space to process the contained monologue of the band before delving into the classroom scene, at least a line break if not a transition that spells it out clearer.
An important part where i think you should provide context is with the "Irish Question"- is that just "what is it to be Irish?" Tell us what you're not dismissing but answering, or else you're kind of walking your own thought plank without bringing the audience with you.
When you say folk music at the end, do you mean all folk music, or specifically irish music? I love how you describe it, but I don't know if it works being wholly inclusive, as for me country has a lot more patriotism and nationalism than folk does in American society.
Where you could be inclusive is in invoking the melting pot idea somewhere in the piece; if your mission is to extend this situation to other european immigrants and caution against ethnic clash, i think it's important to highlight the ties that bind.
Is it fair to disown something that means so much to you because of the taint others apply to your culture? If you resisted your classmates because you knew you were right, why would you succumb to the pressures of stereotype around "lesser" irishmen? That's something I can't answer for you, but it might be food for thought in regards to your heritage ending.
I love how cheeky and sneakily clever this essay is, but it's almost like you have to lay that out for me to pick up on it, and i worry that only the most culturally versed of readers will be able to fully appreciate the essay as it stands.
again, my thoughts are discombobulated, but hopefully you can pan these tips for a hidden morsel of gold.
This essay is very fascinating, but I also found it slightly hard to follow in some instances. Maybe it is because I am not as educated on these political issues, and I unfortunately do not fall into the "most culturally versed" category that Mary points out.
ReplyDeleteUgh, my brain and politics. Similar to my brain and math. They just do not mix well together.
Other than that, your writing is both eloquent and engaging, and the dialogue you include enables your essay to read like fiction -which I find to be enjoyable. Additionally, I admire the fact that you added an epigraph at the beginning, and the italicized phrases you include toward the end give your essay a unique edge.
And of course, I can't forget the ALL CAPS - which seems to be a staple of your writing.